Unpacking Baggage

Just going through my luggage, clearing out some things to make way for enlightenment

For years I thought this was another statement created by black mothers to produce in their children immediate distrust and suspicion of everyone. That they got together at the black mother's meeting and said, "Ok. We need to come up with a way to keep our kids safe from all of the evil influences of the world." I'm sure they came up with blood is thicker than water first, but that left the children vulnerable to the influences of evil family members, especially the daddies. So they came up with don't nobody love ya like ya mama. This raised your guard against pedophile uncles and crackhead cousins and insured your allegiance to mama.

I have to say that I bought into it. I absolutely believed it. Childhood made it easy. Through all the bruises, scrapes and disappointments who was it that ultimately made it all better? My perception changed when I began to see mothers through adolescent eyes. I realized that they couldn't ALWAYS make us feel better. That sometimes our disappointments were meted by them so that we would have the proper amount of clouds to make us appreciate the sun. Then came adulthood where I was able to see what a manipulating broad a mother can be... the ultimate disappointment.

When I started building a circle of friends, I have to admit that the commonalities I found were not always the most attractive basis on which to form an alliance; who could beat up the bully, whose refrigerator always had Kool Aid, who had cable in the family room, who had the weed, who had a car, whose parents were always out of town, who had a fake ID, who can get me in the club, etc., etc., but I forged those friendships nonetheless and I'm pleased to say that I have friends dating back 30 years. The reasons that I kept them around have changed, but one of their reasons for keeping me has remained constant. I usually have the answers to the test.

As I have gotten older, my judgement has become impaired when it comes to who I'm letting into my cypher. I'm not sure what it is. I've always been told that I'm a collector of people and I accept that. Even when someone brought nothing to the table at all, if I could help them in some way I kept them around. Needless to say I've cultivated a few parasites and enabled a couple of crackheads over the years, but overall I've been pretty happy with my choices.

Recently, on my journey to self actualization, I've been reaching back to reestablish some connections that got away from me. In many cases they got away clean and good riddance, but there were others that I truly loved and missed. This morning I found out the feeling was not mutual. I'm not sure what it is at this late stage of life that makes me think I can hang out all night, but I have been revisiting the activities of my youth; all-night dance clubs, all night diners, movie marathons, things that involve sleep deprivation and a little mind alteration. Last night I was lucky enough to stumble upon a clambake, a keg of Heineken and an old friend.

What started out as a great evening of pleasant ruminations and reminiscings ended in disillusion and disappointment. At about 3 a.m. I wanted to send a text message to share something funny and leave an I miss you message (don't worry about who I'm missing. Y'all so damn nosy). I discovered that Sprint had packed me FIERCE and I had no phone service. I asked my renewed acquaintance if I could borrow his phone to pay my bill. He was compelled to reflect on "how the mighty can fall" and my drunk ass is trying to figure out what the hell he's talking about. From what I can ascertain through the haze, he resented the fact that I was always coming to someone's rescue like "a white night." And I'm thinking to myself, 'bitch what are you talking about?' He didn't seem to have a problem taking my coins the night he blew a flat without a spare and we were stranded in DC... OR of using my AAA benefits. I never asked for or received anything in return for those things.

I've just never been one to think too much about repayment. I have always been of the belief that one hand washes the other and that any good we do comes back in the form of blessings from others. It is what I have relied upon for most of this existence. What I discovered this morning is that one hand will leave yours dirty and that some people don't believe that one good turn deserves another. I have always invested in people that I believe in... emotionally, spiritually and yes (like an idiot most times), financially. And those closest to me have always been comfortable coming to me for help or creating a scene where I will offer. In order to let folks keep their pride I have played the scene with Oscar-worthy finesse. I've taken my half-hearted thanks and gone on bout my business. Some of those people I knew would never be in a position to be of assistance to me and that was just my way of storing up treasures.

I always thought myself to be unselfish, but I think perhaps I am selfish in my generosity. After all I expect that if I help others they may one day help me. In the end I am selfish because I don't ask for help, even when I desperately need it. I've been in dire financial straits in the last year and no one has known... well some have because I wear my burdens like jewely, but I never shared. I would make up something before saying, "I got troubles." I recognize that it's not pride that keeps me from asking. It's the fear of being denied help by someone that I've taken joy in assisting at some point. This morning I faced that fear and survived AND over something as trivial as the use of a cell phone.

I'm glad to note that I have a few... a very few people in my life that I can look to for emotional, spiritual, moral and financial support. I am so grateful for those faithful few and I'm going to call each of them today and show love. My mama will be first.