Unpacking Baggage

Just going through my luggage, clearing out some things to make way for enlightenment

Last year I decided to make changes in my life. Up until then I approached things differently in regards to the people with whom I associated and the ways I elected to meet them. Before, I really didn't have a formula to measure the value that people and experiences brought to my life nor did I recognize the intrinsic value that I brought to the lives of others. I was a bit of a mess. I chose to attend a mountain retreat in Maryland last October with no specific expectations. I simply believed that I would meet some decent people with similar interests and spark a friendship or two. What happened is I met the one person who has most impacted my adult life.

I'd never been in love before. I don't mean that as an insult to an ex that might be a reader of this blog because I loved you as much as I could without loving myself wholly and completely. For most of my life I struggled with emotional baggage that I carried around and sat in the corner of each relationship. The bags served as a constant reminder of my unresolved issues and my reluctance to address them. By late 2003 I was rolling around one of those hotel luggage racks. A 2004 New Years resolution was to start unpacking baggage. However, it wasn't an aggressive effort. Still, by my birthday, I had modified enough behaviors that I was accepting and loving me for me and noticing a difference in my interactions.

By the time the retreat rolled around I knew that I was in a better place emotionally than I had been before. One of the indicators was that I was able to openly and honestly discuss some aspects of my personality that I never really acknowledged before. Because I never acknowledged and addressed them in the past, the same issues would reappear to damage (sometimes irreparably) each relationship. It was really interesting and refreshing to meet someone with whom I could discuss my low traits without fear of judgement. I had gotten myself to the place where I knew another person's judgement of me was their issue to work out so I was able to be frank about things. I immediately felt in my spirit that this person was to be very special to me. I just didn't realize how much.

Over the course of this past year we have ridden a rollercoaster that has taken us to our highest and lowest points and looped us around quite a bit. Things didn't look so good at times, but I never lost sight of the fact that I had met the person with whom I wanted to share my life. I never allowed myself to imagine that things wouldn't work out. We both worked hard on this one and our persistence has paid off. We are celebrating a year of sharing and learning. Of the greatest things I have learned is that we are both works in progress on a fluid canvas and I want us together at the last brushstrokes.